is your mom at the bar?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
