Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I have post one night stand depression
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
