i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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