3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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