It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
There's even glitter on my cock...
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