rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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