apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
