i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize