there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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