everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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