if i can run in heels then i can drive
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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