last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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