You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
