I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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