I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
