Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
