shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
