We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
