I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
