he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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