No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
