just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
