it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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