He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
