My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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