Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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