Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize