I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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