The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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