he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just blew my weed a kiss
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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