so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
farters have to be the big spoon...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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