You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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