I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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