My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
