I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
