Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
