It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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