Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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