when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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