omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
