I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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