take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
