there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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