they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
