I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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