i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
