I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
