Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
