we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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