Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
