sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
just found out that she named her cat after me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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