The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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