pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
